Sobriety, Impulsivity and Self-Acceptance

I'm starting to bring awareness to my impulsiveness as a neurodivergent person who has overcome a wide range of substance (marijuana/nicotine/psychedelics) and process addictions (television/phone addiction/pornography/junk food). Once sober, impulsive thinking has become a beastly battle that I wrestle with every day and over time, it's unclear to me if, or how I fight this battle.

If you ask me, I recommend that you don't view sobriety as an endpoint, but more so a checkpoint along the path leading to a newer version of you. But this road takes many twists and turns and is rarely linear. I think the hardest moments are when you are feeling at your lowest, and the impulse to turn towards a "quick fix" becomes overwhelming. It doesn't matter how little junk food is in your house, how small your screen size is, how inaccessible drugs or alcohol are to you, or how many healthy coping skills come between you and your "habit of choice". If you want to numb out, you will find a way, and unless you begin to notice how the loop plays out on a larger scale, it will become an unconscious habit which you will call fate (partially quoting Jung here).

So I ask myself, "Will I always be like this?" Doomed to be impulsive, thrill-seeking, forever chasing novelty or new experiences. Well, yeah, I do believe that deep down I will always want something different from most folks. Fortune favours the bold. Something about surrounding myself with eccentric artists, innovators, intelligent and brave truth seekers seems to brighten my glow. So why should I mess with what's working? But is it sustainable? Probably not forever.

But why am I like this? Am I actually just escaping something within that's too overwhelming to sit with fully? Sometimes it feels like sitting in my own mind is a test, which I usually pass, but on occasion, it feels like I fail. Or other days, I reach really low points where it feels like my internal system becomes hijacked by an angry, wounded inner child who just wants to pretend it can control everything that might hurt it.

"But what happens when I can't handle my own pain?" Protests the vulnerable and scared part.

"What if I can't heal myself enough and I pass on my trauma onto my children?"

"What happens when they discover just how broken I am and decide it's not worthwhile to love me?"

And to this sad, lonely and confused part I reply,

"You were never meant to destroy your demons; they will always be there. But then again, you will never have to face them alone ever again."

"You will always be healing yourself, and it's a beautiful journey. Your children will be your teachers and your guides, and when you love them, fully with your whole heart, that will be their legacy. Nobody can take that from them, and their lessons will be their own. Trust the world to be their best teacher."

And lastly,

"Nobody will leave this world untarnished by the pain and suffering of humanity. To be human is to discover what pain and suffering we can endure for the sake of our family. This burden becomes a sacred duty, and the right person will be ready to meet you in their pain, rectified by their capacity to turn towards truth. Your medicine is what you will bring with you, and their medicine will be the exchange."

Again, if you ask me, I believe the desire to disengage from the world is a mistake. And building a life worth living will require you to confront your desire to escape that life, or risk falling back into old ways. So surround yourself with good people and don't make them tiptoe around your unprocessed pain. Bonus points if they understand the battles you face. If they can overcome their desire to project their insecurities onto you and have the strength to simply witness you in your authenticity, they are the people you want around. If after all of this you are still battling to accept yourself, I get it, I truly do...but just know that the story isn't over yet.

Keep writing your story...it's far from over.