Safety, Fear and Boundaries

Reflections of a former people pleaser who learned to set boundaries

The more I learn about people, the more I want to understand who they really are. The question is, how can we really understand the depth of someone's soul without first opening ourselves up to them? Additionally, they too must have the capacity to be vulnerable with us. It's an ongoing conversation of "can I trust you with my safety?", which historically doesn't always end well. Many times we have been hurt. Either physically, emotionally, sexually, or even in some cases, it's a kind of spiritual pain which borders on trauma. Somehow, some way, we have had our trust broken, and it stings. But still, I feel like we are capable of bridging the gap. When we do this well, we offer the wounded parts of us some reconciliation by showing them that there are people you can trust with your wounds, your insecurities. Not everyone you meet is out there focusing only on themselves.

But the truth is, we do need to be focused on our own needs, our own pain, our own struggles and any therapist you meet will tell you that you have to "put on your own oxygen mask first". Otherwise, how can you help anyone if you yourself are struggling to breathe?

So what about boundaries? I feel like most people struggle with boundaries when they begin their healing journey, but then again, this issue doesn't ever really "go away". You evolve to meet the challenges differently. Over time, we learn to set boundaries in situations that also require us to be open, to be receptive, to be vulnerable. We become stronger when we set boundaries and choose to take certain risks.

I believe it's an evolutionary trait; we must take risks to survive. But what of unnecessary risk? I would say that our ancestors were just as cautious as we are, taking precautions, being prepared, knowing what to do in a crisis. But perhaps their nervous systems (I'm guessing) are adapted to respond quite differently. I was introduced to a theory about phone use and stress. To summarise the theory, when we are addicted to cellphones/social media/doomscrolling, we are training the "fear-based" response in our brains. Node by node, we are wiring our mind to be hyper-receptive and anxious in situations which previously we were more neutral to.

So I suppose we can't avoid risks, and sometimes we are going to be afraid, regardless of how many cups of tea, meditation sessions, or walks in nature we have. So I'm continuing to reflect on this topic as I build my "root", working on my foundation of safety, learning to trust my self-leadership in situations that require more courage from me. This also comes down to anger being a healthy catalyst for change, versus a passive experience in the body. If we hold onto our anger, our resentment, or even our disgust, or our shame, these can begin to boil over and paint our perception of our community, our family, or even our world. Without boundaries or internal safety, we become jaded and bitter. The world isn't about connection anymore; it feels hostile and divided. These aren't socially or spiritually constructed ideas; this is the lived experience of the body, and as we in the Psychology field know, this will impact your lived experience. If you live in "fight or flight", you're looking for ways to confirm the next fight or the reason to flee.

When we succumb to these delicate "vagal states", which literally activate certain spinal nerves that tell us we aren't safe, there is no condition for safety. As much as I would propose it's a multi-layered process, safety does, in fact, begin in the body.

So I invite you to take the time to understand what safety feels like for you, as often as possible. That way, you can clearly differentiate when someone is contributing to your safety or if they are compromising it. And if you are taking the risk of inviting someone into your world, being vulnerable and trusting them with your wellbeing, can you trust yourself enough to bounce back if things take a wrong turn?

I will end with a little psychoeducation piece that I found helpful in my early counselling student days, and it's about the understanding that our style of setting boundaries expresses in 1 of 3 ways. We are either setting overly porous boundaries, where we invite others to violate our space or are too forgiving of transgression. Or the other extreme, we are too rigid and struggle to let others into our world, cutting people out indiscriminately. And then there is this sweet spot, somewhere in the middle, where we can balance both possibilities. We can be open and inviting when necessary or strict and easily able to express our "No" when it's appropriate. The balanced boundary setter is one who can reach for their yes, welcoming in community and connection, whilst equally aware of/discerning of the power and authority of the "no".

So I invite you to consider where you land along this continuum: do you lean towards porous boundaries, are you an overly rigid boundary setter, or do you fall somewhere in the middle? I invite you to comment on this post and express your thoughts.